The lecture on identity gap got me to thinking about my
identity gaps, especially when it comes to my working persona and identity
prior to sobriety. Before I entered into
program, my friends always commented on how I was someone who liked to be
social, someone who was fearless and extremely outgoing. While my enacted (intended or unintended)
performance accounted for those beliefs, I continued to hold my personal
viewpoints as someone who was shy, and fearful.
E. L. Urban & M. P. Orbe state that “‘‘an identity gap refers to the
differences between or among different frames of identity.”
The relational vs. personal identity gap was huge, and
still continues to be so. On page 310,
the article continues with “the experience of being an immigrant placed them in
the minority for the first time in their life, which made it difficult to
accept the reality of being identified as not ‘‘naturally belonging.’’ This is
exactly how I felt when I entered program.
I always thought I was just like everyone else, and that I wasn’t a
minority. While this is very different
from an immigrant’s experience, especially since I experience privilege as
being a white American woman, I still felt that the relational identity with
the world, that of being not “normal” and then my personal identity, of feeling
like I am like everyone else, except for my addiction.
The last identity gap that I have experienced in becoming
a sober person is that of communal vs. relational. “They found it difficult to
commit to one communal identity. Instead, depending on relationships and
interactions, they selectively exhibited commonalities with their interactants.”
This is how I deal with being with “normies” as alcoholics call them, and other
alcoholics/addicts. When dealing with
the relational ties I have with people of different categories, I change my
ideal of communal identity. At school and around normal people, I am less up
front with my feelings/thoughts etc. because it is culturally acceptable to be
happy and fine when asked how you are.
While in meetings or speaking with other alcoholics, it is more
acceptable to express discontent, or even dare I say, “crazy” thoughts.
Dealing with identity gaps can be exhausting, even when I
am not completely aware of the identity gaps I am enacting. The performance of my ideal and the ideal
that comes across to others contradicts often.
Hopefully with more confidence and openness I can merge the two identities
and lessen the gap that occurs.
Source: Urban, Ewa L., Orbe,
Mark P. (2010). Identity Gaps of
Contemporary U.S. Immigrants: Acknowledging Divergent Communicative. Vol. 61,
No. 3, July–August 2010, pp. 304–320
Identity is a difficult thing to understand, much less manage. Especially when one lives in such a dynamic society where we constantly are interacting with different groups of people that we find ourselves having to adapt to by changing our identity. Just as you described having to hold back your true feelings in order to fit into the happy/nothing is wrong attitude of society. The other day in one of my other IIC classes I walked into the room where there was one other classmate. We proceeded by the usual “hello, how are you? I’m fine” and then delved into our own personal worlds within our laptops. However, a few minutes later my classmate comments that they hate the fact that society (in the U.S.) turns everyone into robots having to always say we are fine even if that is not the case, and if we do try to express our true feelings, those around will judge you or not care what you have to say. It really struck me to hear that from her because, being from a diverse background, I knew what that was like yet I had the outlet of being able to be open with those from my Latin culture and not feeling judged. I explained this to that classmate and went on to ask them if they were okay and if they wanted to talk. It was a moment where I felt my true identity taking over because I didn’t have to hide behind this “American Yessy” since that classmate was seeking to make an actual human connection and not just be strangers briefly acknowledging each other’s presence. It’s moments like those that keep me hopeful that society is slowly changing, and that one day we can all be able to just have one identity that won’t be criticized by anyone.
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